This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
