I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
