The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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