all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
