I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She announced her abortion via fbk
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
