theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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