please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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