I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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