our cab driver is having phone sex.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize