Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
