just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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