Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
