I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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