I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
