I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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