Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
