Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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