Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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