The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm sobbing to NWA
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