if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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