also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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