i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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