hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Is Oprah even human
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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