meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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