a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
