we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
