I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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