I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
