Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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