I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
