He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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