Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize