If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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