when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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