the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
