if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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