mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
