There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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