Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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