Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
