I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
