I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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