you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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