Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I am mentally ready for anal.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
