just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
This baby is an asshole
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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