What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
