cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize