you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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