8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
