I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
