how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
