I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
