you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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