I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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