there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
