That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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