just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
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