Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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