I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
