Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
