I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm really busy with my period
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