I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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